What do I want to do before I die?

 As you know, Over the last few months I've been putting together a list of 100 things I want to do before I die. 

I first started thinking about this when I saw The Bucket List.

Then when I found a new favorite show of mine called the buried life I decided to actually make a physical list. The idea is that when the opportunity comes to knock something off my list, I jump on it like a caffeine crazed kid jumps on the last piece of candy. If the opportunity doesn't come to me, then I'll go to it. 

I realize that some of the goals I have you can't really cross off, or will be extremely hard to cross off because they are more a way of being and thinking than a thing of doing. Such as numbers 55, 56, 69, 95, and 100. These five things don't have a clear time right now where I'll be able to cross them off. 

So What are these five items on my list? Well in an effort to keep busy, and keep writing, I'll go through my list and write a short blog explaining them and sharing my plan (If I have one). Then, when I cross it off, I'll document it by taking a picture, and writing a story to document it for list number 35 and for this excuse for a blog.  

The list isn't organized in any way. Not in a matter of importance, when I want to do it, and not even when I thought of it. So, come the new year, I'll be picking one or a few items a week, and tell you about it. 

It's BANDIDO TIME!

Oh my school doesn't allow this.

There are American volunteers all around me painting Zambian children's finger and toe nails. A very Kodiak moment. I decide to get in on this. Sure I'm a guy. But a majority of the kids are boys so I say the gender roles don't matter here. 

I ask for a color and call over a child. The color is hot pink. The small child is Chanda. She decided to have her finger nails painted. So one by one, I hold her fingers on my knee and do my best while she is worried I'll get some paint on my pants.

I do my best to make them look good, and to not take so long that restless Chanda decides she wants to be done half way through. 

Finished, I look at my work, and am proud of how well I've done. So I ask, "How do you like it Chanda?"

And I get a hesitant and quiet reply, "Yes they are nice"

"What's wrong Chanda? Do you not like the color?"

"Ah no. My school, they do not allow." She says while pointing at the still wet nails.

"You mean you can't paint your finger nails?"

"Yes."

"Dude! Chanda why didn't you say something?"

I wait but get no response.

"Haha wow I don't even know the dress code at the school I teach at. No worries, I got your back if you get in trouble tomorrow."

"Dude how did you get that cut on your face?"
"Oh yeah. Alice scratched, slash slapped me in class today."
"Where you fighting?"
"No just playing around."
"Then that's not how it happened."
"What do you mean? What happened, happened. There is no changing that."
"No. This needs to change. Listen, when that hot new girl asks why there is a huge cut across your face, are you going to tell her that a six year old preschool girl did that to you when you were just playing around?"
"I would rather not lie. And it's not that bad."
"No. Shut up. It's not going down like that. Here's what really happened. you where talking a walk in the bush-"
"No I wasn't I was in class."
"Do you ever take walks?"
"Yeah sure every now and then."
"Then it's not a lie. You were taking a walk in the bush when out of no where a gorilla jumped out and started attacking you."
"That's ridiculous! Gorillas don't live in this part of Africa."
"It's escaped from the zoo."
"What zo-?"
 "Lucky for you, you are a black belt in Karate and Judo."
"I'm only a green belt and I don't know Judo."
"Shut up. It's close enough."
"It's not even-"
"So there you are, surrounded by tall grass with a five thousand pound gorilla running at you."
"They aren't that big."
"Suddenly your mad skills kick in and all fear leaves you. The gorilla roars, you roar. Kinda like this, RAAAgghhh!"
"Ew you spit on me."
"Then! In one swift move, you grab the beastly gorilla paw that is about to beat you dead, and you break his wrist. Then you round house kick him to the face, knocking him to the ground. But you know that even with the godly powers you posses, you won't be able to kill this mad, manly, misplaced animal with your bare hands and be back in time for dinner, so you take out your machete!"
"My machete? Really? Why would I be carrying that with me?"
"You don't keep it with you? Oh dude I never leave the tent without mine. You got to be careful. That's the wild out there."
"What the heck do you carry yours for?"
"Because you never know when you'll need to chop off the head of a ten thousand pound gorilla monster! Which is what you do! But it takes a fair amount of chopping and slashing because the neck is so thick and you didn't have time to sharpen the blade this morning."
"So then how did I get this cut?"
"Oh. When you were running back to the house and blade of elephant grass got a piece of you. They really are that sharp."
"I think that is the only true thing you've said."
"But she doesn't need to know that."

"Hey boys how's it going? Oh my gosh! Chris how did you get that cut on your face?"
"I was in-"
"In the bush when a gorilla attacked him. It was crazy stuff. I'll tell you the story if you would like. Chris here is still a bit in shock and can't remember all the details."
"You where with him?"
"Oh honey, I was the one who saved him."

My Battle with Wuxi Fang

Yes it has been almost forever since I last made a post. Yes I have been slacking on my writting. No I don't feel terible about it; but I do feel a touch sad. So to show you I'm still alive, here is a new short story for you.


Relieved from the strain, my body relaxes and melts onto the soft grass. With IPod in ears, feet crossed, and fingers laced across my chest, I smile as the warm sun cast a sleeping spell on me.

I’m older now. There is a beautiful woman lying next to me. Her soft, smooth body warmly fits with mine. Her smell is intoxicating, her touch is soothing. She is the source of my strength, and my kryptonite. Then darkness surrounded us and she is taken.

I’m at the bottom of a tall, steep, mountain. On top I see her tan skin, and the great demon Wuxi Fang behind her. I’ve fought him before; it should be easy to kill him again.

The rock is dark and crumbles away like dry cheese in my hands as I climb. Soon there is no base to the dark pillar of rock. The wind is slowly lifting the mountain to the sky. I see soft clouds above and I climb faster.

Finally, I come in range to attack just as we reach to bottom of the large clouds; I jump with all my remaining strength, sword drawn, flying with body in position to kill. In his maggot infested eyes, I look for his next move, but I don’t see it.

Something hits me from the side knocking me to the ground. I look for what hit me and see that it’s my friend Donkey Kong. But something is different. His eyes. They are like Wuxi Fang’s, full of red maggots. I charge at him, dodge a punch for my side, and deliver an open palm up and under his sternum making him disappear.

I see a whispy tail come for my face and cut it off clean before it can reach me. The end of the tail falls to the ground. I stand ready and alert; always keeping my eye on his kill spot and waiting for my chance.

Then I see my chance. I maneuver around and through his many tails and thrashing fists and I drive my sword into the back of his skull. Feeling the sword crunch past his skin, and glide into the soft mush that is his brain, I scream and push the blade in further. As I jump off his thrashing body I’m hit by his hidden stinger. My body twitches as the poison that will slowly turn me into one of him, fills my body. I crumple down next to the bloody and limp body of my lover.

I look behind me to see Wuxi Fang shrieking and cursing me, swearing he will come back again and then I’ll be under control. His shrieks turn to honks.

I open my eyes and have to squint to see my mom home from the store. I pause my music and hear her ask me to help with the groceries.